Asking for help

It’s hard, it shouldn’t be but it is. In fact it’s something I fucking hate doing!

I’ve always been fiercely independent. Annoyingly so! I can do it myself was almost a mantra. It’s a habit that I’ve found incredibly hard to break, in fact until today I don’t remember the last time I asked someone to help me.

It was actually the response I received from my first blog post that pushed me to ask. I received so many supportive messages and not just from my close circle of friends and family, that it made me realise that there’s a whole load of people ready to help if only I’d ask. In fact quite a few would be annoyed to find out that I needed help and didn’t ask. How do I know that? Because I’d be annoyed to find out if a friend needed help but was afraid or too stubborn to ask.

Why would you be afraid to ask a friend for help? Well when the mental fog and anxiety descend like they did for me suddenly yesterday, it’s not always easy to think rationally.

Knowing all this why did I still find it so hard! One answer for me comes back to the independence and not wanting to feel like a burden. Ridiculous I know, but constructing the message to ask must have taken me 20 minutes plus the deliberation time to actually press send.

So what was I asking for? A kidney? Or a huge loan? No. I was asking if they’d be able to come to a meeting with me, as I didn’t want to go on my own because of the brain fog affecting the speed of my thought and speech process.

Even writing this I can feel the anxiety rising, my heart rate is rising, I feel hot and nauseous and slightly panicky. Why? The thought of my friends reading this and them knowing what a state I got myself into just to ask a favour is slightly mortifying. Despite all that I’m glad I asked, even if it felt like admitting defeat.